It Wasn’t Goodbye

Describe the last difficult “goodbye” you said.

Content warning for intimate partner violence.

It was. “I told you never to contact me again, and I meant it.” That, of course, should have been the end. This was over 10 years ago now. He never did contact me again. He still had his hands around my throat yesterday, though.

It has taken me a long time to finally be able to put that into words. It was only last year that I was able to shift my phrasing. He ceased to be my ex. He became my abuser.

Because that’s what he was.

I spent so many years in a denial of my own making. Almost parroted the gaslighter’s charter to myself day and night. “No, that didn’t happen.” “And if it did it wasn’t that bad.” “And if it was that bad it must have been partly my fault.”

Actually I flip flopped between that and “Shut up brain. I’m not listening. Lalalala.” The thing is though it did happen. It was that bad. It definitely wasn’t my fault.

I’m struggling with writing this. There are parts of it that feel almost too horrible for words. But. It is my truth. It is what happened to me. I finally feel like I want to put it out there.

Maybe there’s a symbolism here. Let it go free to the wind. I guess it can’t hurt me then.

So here I am. A victim. A survivor. I don’t know? Sometimes, they both seem wrong. All I know is that it is something that is part of me. It is my lived experience. No denial anymore.

I want to tell my story but I need a little bit more time. I need to break it down into chapters. I will leave this one there for today. When I feel strong enough I will pick this back up. Thank you for reading. So much love

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