Today I made hash for lunch. I just needed to use up the potatoes and the deli meats left over from Christmas. I hadn’t thought about hash in a long time. Not so a few years back.

This restaurant seemed all about hash. Best seller at brunch and lunch. The prep was never ending. It was hash prep that resulted in me getting a bollocking for being ill. I was ill. Too ill to be in work. It was acknowledged that I was ill and still I was shouted at for cutting the chorizo too slowly. I defended myself. Of course I was working slowly I felt really ill. I was told not to answer back. Just like a child. I was a woman in my early 30s at the time. In a place of work.

“Don’t answer back”

Everyone says that kitchens are better now than they used to be and of course that is the truth. Maybe though the bad old days are not as old as I think.

The hash was delicious though. I roasted the potatoes with paprika and oregano. I fried the bacon, the salami, the chorizo until it was beautiful and crisp. The eggs were fresh, organic. Blissfully golden yolks. Just a little hot sauce. It was comforting after the cold morning. It took me no time at all to cut the chorizo.

Not what you’re thinking you naughty lot!

Now we’re all settled (finally!) in our lovely new house Sunday walks are back on the agenda. Seriously they should never go away. My lungs still don’t really enjoy going uphill but every time my brain convinces them it’s totally worth it.

You see I love being up high! Always have. When we were kids we used to always get Dad to park right at the top of the multi storey car park. It is a testament to his patience and his enormous sense of fun that he always did.

In those days I used to run down the stairs. You won’t catch me running now of course!

A few months ago me and T went to Cheddar Gorge. I loved Jacobs Ladder when I was a kid. I still love it now. Seven year old me of course went up and down a lot quicker than 36 year old post covid me. Frankly it was a struggle!

But still. Its so high! That view is incredible. I’m grinning just thinking about it!

When we were away at the Eden Project we climbed right to the top of the dome. It was amazing! Even in the tropical heat I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. It was easier than Jacobs Ladder too.

Once I’ve got my breath back from the climb. Yes for the thousandth time cheers covid. I find a tremendous peace in being up high. Its like I leave all my worries at ground level.

Take a breath my brain says. You’re here. You deserve it. I’m always grateful for these kind words from my brain. It doesn’t always have many.

Now…

Race you to the top!

Nah.

You’re a bit late for a race.

19 years to be exact.

Go on. I’ll catch you up!

Badge.

Badge?

Badge!

Hush.

Hush!

It’s in your bag.

Where else did you leave it.

This shirt.

You thought.

Just right for the office.

You said.

Until you saw it in…

Photo.

Smile.

It’s me ya girl.

The hamburglar

Laptop.

Laptop?

Laptop!

Dear lord I left it on the bus.

No.

Hush.

I won’t tell you again.

It’s downstairs where you put it.

Sorry if I seem a little jittery.

It’s the acrophobia.

You see.

The office?

Isn’t that high surely?

High?

Heights?

Fear of heights.

Oh is that it?

Spiders?

What?

You mean spiders?

No.

Acronyms.

It’s good.

Like when I took cigarettes.

From my father’s bedside.

Of course.

He didn’t hear me.

Loud as I am.

Sometimes.

Nobody does.

It’s all in your head.

They say.

But.

Where else?

Would I keep my brain.

You don’t need makeup.

No?

Too bad.

I want it anyway.

You can do it!

Did I not?

Just tell you.

I can’t.

Smile.

Sure I absolutely,

Definitely.

Owe you,

The view of my teeth.

Straighten your crown,

They say.

Bit difficult.

When you’re a socialist.

It’s a shame.

Really.

Because I would love,

To make my prison,

My Palace.

Inspired by taking a minute in Bath.

In the pond.

You won’t be able to see the fish.

Until you stop looking for them.

Just trust,

That they are there.

It takes no effort

You know.

To smell the lavender.

Listen to the fountain.

Look at the lily pads.

Sit a while.

Be.

Or in which I feel somewhat better…

Or in which my difficult decision is validated…

Or in which change is indeed as good as a rest…

OK so these taglines ate getting a little bit out of hand now not to mention I’m running out of words for my title! Forgive me but it is a rather exciting sentiment.

Of course I’m not rushing to say that my anxiety is cured ( a miracle! A miracle!) I know it doesn’t work like that. Sadly.

I have to say though that after my first week at the call centre I feel a lot better mind, body and soul.

On Friday I walked the 43 minutes to work. No the bus wasn’t cancelled. As far as I could see it was on time. ( a miracle! A miracle!)

I walked to work because it was a beautiful morning and for the first time in a long time I felt energised.

Alive.

Excited for what the day would bring.

The sun was shining. Bristol was as beautiful and as quirky as she ever is (even the Ents love her!)

I took a deep breath. My ribs didn’t hurt. I didn’t start coughing. My feet didn’t sting.

I wasn’t trudging. Oh no. Not a trudge in sight.I was striding. Can’t really remember the last time I strode. Probably around 2007.

It does feel strange and a little sad to have finally left the kitchen. I’m still not used to sitting down. I’m certainly not used to having a break every two hours. That’s skiving surely? It can’t be right?

I can however get on board with 11pm bedtimes, 8 hours sleep every single night and all the hot meals I can eat! Sat at a table might I add!

I’ll always love hospitality of course but for me, for now. I definitely made the right call!

So this has been it then. My last day in the kitchen. They say always end on a song so here’s my after work, for the last time, end of an era playlist.

Leaving on a Jet Plane, John Denver

The Boxer, Simon and Garfunkel

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, Paul Simon

KC Loving, Little Willie Littlefield

Good Riddance (Time of your Life), Greenday

1985, Bowling For Soup

Superman, Goldfinger

I listened to these over a glass of cheap brandy. As sad days go. Its not been too bad!

That’s Chef Bex, Peace Out!

(Office Bex BTW will always be around)

It’s been a blast everyone! Please share your favourite moving on songs in the comments xx

Or the resignation I wanted to write

Dear Everyone,

It is with the heaviest of hearts, I have to inform you. As of August 14th I will no longer be a chef. After 10 long years of wonderful highs and terrifying lows I am finally bringing my knife kit home for good.

My last happy birthday plate will be written. My last service will be done. The last kitchen play list will be listened to. The last coffee drank ( decaff for me mind, anxiety is just that bad at the moment.)

Sadly my mind is no longer up to the mark. My body still hasn’t recovered from the Covid. For the sake of my health I can no longer put in the hours. These days I can barely stay awake past 11 let alone work until gone midnight. I have a new job – 10am-7pm, Monday to Friday.

The regular routine I rejected for years I suddenly find myself needing. Have I made the right decision? Yes I know deep down I have.

Is it making me happy? No. Not yet. In fact as I write this I am pretty thoroughly miserable. Leaving behind the last 10 incredible years has been one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

To everyone who has worked with me. Laughed with me. Hugged me. Danced with me. Been in the shit with me. Taught me. Helped me. Learned from me. Panee’d with me. Spud bashed with me. To all my regular guests.

To all my teammates past and present. I love you all dearly. To the kitchen. It’s been a blast. I’ll miss you old friend.

Thank you for the good times!

Love always,

Bex

“Afternoon.”

Scoffed the world.

“Good of you to join us.”

I stumbled

I mumbled

I stuttered

It smiled.

“Don’t be so bloody daft.”

“We missed you that’s all.”

It never was unkind.

“There’s so much to tell you.

July faded out as August rushed in.

The dogs they barked while the flowers they grew.

The blackberries they marched ever towards black.

They giggled as they brought in the tesco delivery.

They sat in the park to eat their lunches.

The winds they blew.

The apples from the tree.

The painters they painted.

Brand new designs on brand new walls.”

“We had to keep turning you know.”

I thanked the world for that.

For Bristol

When I walked home.

I knew of course.

About the trees.

They were there.

A long time.

Longer than the pavement.

I didn’t know…

Though…

About the lilac.

Until it hit me.

“For goodness sake.”

I said.

You didn’t have to grow on me.

I loved you.

All along.