Today I made hash for lunch. I just needed to use up the potatoes and the deli meats left over from Christmas. I hadn’t thought about hash in a long time. Not so a few years back.

This restaurant seemed all about hash. Best seller at brunch and lunch. The prep was never ending. It was hash prep that resulted in me getting a bollocking for being ill. I was ill. Too ill to be in work. It was acknowledged that I was ill and still I was shouted at for cutting the chorizo too slowly. I defended myself. Of course I was working slowly I felt really ill. I was told not to answer back. Just like a child. I was a woman in my early 30s at the time. In a place of work.

“Don’t answer back”

Everyone says that kitchens are better now than they used to be and of course that is the truth. Maybe though the bad old days are not as old as I think.

The hash was delicious though. I roasted the potatoes with paprika and oregano. I fried the bacon, the salami, the chorizo until it was beautiful and crisp. The eggs were fresh, organic. Blissfully golden yolks. Just a little hot sauce. It was comforting after the cold morning. It took me no time at all to cut the chorizo.

During my trial shift at the restaurant I was asked “How’s your chocolate writing?” I nonchalantly replied “Not bad.”

It’s the calligraphy practice. A piping bag of chocolate is easy compared to dippy ink. Trust and believe.

Inside I was dancing. Oh how I love a special occasion plate! There’s something about doing that little bit extra for a customer that just makes me happy. I think it’s the thought that I play a little part in someone’s special day.

I have even been known to peep into the dining room just to watch the customer’s reaction. What can I say I’m a sentimental old fart.

Birthdays are most common.

But anniversaries are my favourite

I’ve done chocolate writing for Christmas petit fours

To cheer up a sick colleague

Even to celebrate the end of a lock down

You name it and I’ll write it in chocolate. It is far and away my favourite part of the job.

Our resolution to eat less meat is hanging in there. Meat free Monday marches on. Today was super cold. I did my volunteering shift at the food bank earlier. At the food bank warehouse you have to go into the walk in fridge to get warmed up. It is cold.

When I am cold and shivery and worn out and good for nothing a good cottage pie soon revives me. This one is proof that comfort food doesn’t need meat.

Mushroom and Lentil Cottage Pie

Large Handful Cooked Green Lentils

8 Chestnut Mushrooms

1 Small Sweet Potato

1 large Carrot

1 Onion

Some Cloves of Garlic (as usual measure with your heart)

About 1/3 bottle Red Wine

300ml Vegetable Stock

1 tsp Tamarind Paste

1 tbsp Tomato Puree

1/2 tsp Smoked Paprika

Salt, Pepper and Worcestershire Sauce to taste

Mashed potato to cover in a good thick layer

Finely chop all the vegetables and sweat the onion, sweet potato and carrot in olive oil. Season well and add in the paprika.

Next add in the mushrooms and cook over a fairly high heat.

Add in your garlic and cook out for a few minutes. Keep stirring so the garlic doesn’t burn.

Add in the tamarind and tomato puree. Cook out for a few minutes more. Add the red wine. Reduce by half. Add in the vegetable stock and reduce until you have a thick sauce.

Leave to cool a little and transfer to a pie dish. Top with mashed potato. Either use a spoon or a piping bag. You can crush up some crisps, breadcrumbs or crackers and mix with herbs for a crispy top. ( I love a crispy top!)

Bake in the oven at 180 for around 30 minutes.

Tips

You can easily make this dish vegan by using olive oil mash

If you have a lot of left over gravy from Sunday lunch you can use this instead of making the sauce.

Any leftover Sunday veg can go in the pie too.

When I was at the hotel I made a lot of cupcakes. Every guest who had a birthday got a cupcake in their room. Sometimes it was difficult to keep up with demand. Sometimes it got a little stressful.

But most of the time I absolutely loved it. There’s such a creative joy in decorating cupcakes. A wonderful sense of freedom.

Cupcakes are definitely good for you! I’d better get my piping set out!

This Friday’s poem is very much on topic

Dressing Up As Yourself

Snake the tights over your thighs

And button through your denim.

That top is such a great colour.

Just need to find the sunflower pendant,

Or perhaps the sea shell might look better.

Lace up the boots you’ve had forever.

Grab your bag.

Your checkered coat.

You know it is too early.

The cold,

Still cruel,

Taunts you.

Yet you are secure in your armour.

You glow with the warmth,

That you create.

When you dress up as yourself.

Just wanted to say a huge huge thank you to everyone who has read the blog so far. I really feel blessed to have so many positive comments.

You guys are the greatest and I am truly thankful for all of your support.

Cariad Mawr

Bex

Michael Gibney in the amazing Sous Chef describes chef whites as “heat resistant armor that’s light as a feather and comfortable as underwear.” I’m not so sure mine are that comfortable. I guess he buys better quality than I do.

Armor though I can definitely get on board with. I don’t just mean the protection of the double breasted jacket and apron either. The armor of chef whites is more of a feeling for me. A security, a comfort that comes from changing into your work clothes every morning. Then you can say.

I’m dressing up as myself. I am a chef.

This is who I am.

This is what I do.

Say it out loud and proud.

I dressed up as myself for the first time in a long time yesterday. I felt like myself. I was myself.

I went to work.

It was great.

Today I am still feeling pretty tired. My brain has decided to spice things up a bit by also adding random flashes of panic into the mix. Cheers brain. Really appreciate it.

Mine and T’s usual date night is Tuesday. Tonight we have plans to go to the pictures. I like going to the pictures. The delightful novelty of doing something so normal hasn’t worn off for me yet. I had planned to bathe at 4pm. Make dinner at 5pm and be ready to go by 7pm.

Easy.

Plenty of time to rest before 4. Loads

Except that when 4 rolled around all I wanted to do was collapse into bed and nap until I was no longer tired. Fully expecting to wake up around December 2024.

That is very nearly what I did. Almost. I had my eyes closed and everything. Instead I gave myself a stern talking to.

“Get up and run your bath”

“You like having a bath”

“You like beer”

“You like peanut butter”

“You like eating stir-fry”

“You like going to the pictures”

Currently drinking a peanut butter milk stout in the bath. Then I’m going to make a stir-fry. Then we will go to the pictures.

A superlative plan.

Cheers!

So today I have been trying to lay a lot of the ground work for going back to work on Wednesday. I am currently typing this whilst trying to gather enough physical and mental energy to get out of the bath.

I was pleasantly physically tired after my volunteering shift earlier. My muscles did protest most vocally after being idle for around three weeks following a pounding from covid . It is very clear that my strength is still not quite what it was.

Progress, however, is being made. I have now got out of the bath! Seriously though I almost feel like I am physically able to go to work on Wednesday and do well at it. With this though the old worry and anxiety just tries to sneak back in.

What if you can’t? It asks. Sometimes sneering. Sometimes just genuinely curious. When it is curious I respond with ‘well lets wait and see.’ When it is sneering I have to answer honestly. I don’t know. I honestly don’t know.

I know I should be kinder to myself. I have my regular counselling appointment on Mondays and this does invariably come up. It was not an easy session tonight. Productive definitely but it has now left me mentally exhausted.

I knew it was very likely I would end up feeling like this today. In a way it was necessary. Time to rest tomorrow. A day at a time. Little by little.

Work on Wednesday.

Inflexible Menu Options

“OK so if I get the caffeine?”

“That comes with energy and anxiety”

Um I’m not so keen on anxiety,

Could I get happiness instead?

No substitutions.

No worries I can just leave the anxiety.

Sorry its already mixed in with the caffeine.

Well maybe I could just get a little anxiety.

How about the anxiety depression combo?

Not sure I could manage both.

It is what the chef recommends.

What about if I just order a small happiness?

Just to make you aware the happiness does have insecurity in it.

Oh.

Is it an allergy?

No just a preference.

Great, so thats a large caffeine with energy and the depression anxiety combo and a small happiness which does have insecurity, just so you’re aware.

Can I get you anything else?

Thats all for today thanks.